Masculine gays

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Gay competitiveness and the way we sometimes build our own self-esteem at the expense of others leads to cliques and sub-groups based on body type or social status; it can inflict feelings of shame for those who are left out – for “femmes” who aren’t “masc” enough, for those who fall short of the “A Gay” list, for those made to feel that they are losers.

In The Velvet Rage, Alan Downs describes life in San Francisco and regular visits to the Napa Valley homes of wealthy gay men he knew, each house more beautiful than the last, the elegant dinner parties that took days to prepare, their fabulous vacations, collections of artwork, clothes, infinity pools, and so on.

By embracing both masculine and feminine aspects within, gay men can build the confidence and clarity necessary to live fully in alignment with who they are. It's easy to feel overwhelmed by the prospect of forging a clear sense of self, but it's important to recognize that this journey doesn't have to be rushed.

Creating an authentic life is about taking one step at a time, allowing space for self-discovery without the pressure of immediate perfection.

Since the beginning of human history, men have been driven to compete, either in war, on the athletic field, or in the business world, where they continuously compete with other men (and women) for promotions, money, and proof of their success. This combination of traits, represented by both divinity and authenticity, offers a pathway to self-empowerment and community connection.

The Shared Struggles of Gay Men and Women in a Patriarchal Society

Both gay men and women have historically experienced systemic oppression under patriarchal structures.

It can also instill:

Courage. Physical bravery has historically been associated with manliness. The challenge lies in embracing a more fluid understanding of masculinity, one that allows for personal authenticity.

The Performance of Masculinity

The societal pressure to perform masculinity within the gay community can be especially pervasive, leading to exaggerated expressions of masculinity in an attempt to fit a perceived ideal.

Historically, same-sex attraction existed alongside traditional societal roles, such as marriage and fatherhood, without the rigid categorization seen today. They free themselves from self-doubt and escape from shame by humiliating someone else.

A healthier way to deal with such shame is to take a closer look at positive (not toxic) masculine traits and to recognize the ways we actually do embody them.

Groupishness is in our genes and, as a result, men need to feel they share common ground with other men.

Since moving to Palm Springs, a city with America’s first entirely LGBT city council, I’ve discovered such groupishness all around me. Mindfulness and meditation offer an opportunity to reconnect with the self in a way that isn’t governed by societal ideals of masculinity.

Erick explains that mindfulness allows individuals to return to their most authentic selves, offering a gentle reconnection with their true identity.

I’ve known this type of man and there’s a subtle one-ups-man-ship about it. It's masculine protectiveness at its best.

Manly men also speak out and want you to know they have something important to say. Alan Downs agrees. As Erick notes, “The women’s liberation struggle and the queer liberation struggle intersected a lot.” Both movements have fought for autonomy over their bodies and the right to exist outside societal expectations.

This shared struggle has fostered solidarity between gay men and women, especially in the fight against systemic discrimination.

The tension between societal expectations of toughness and the vulnerability within their identities can lead to emotional and psychological challenges. Younger generations are increasingly rejecting strict binaries in favor of fluidity in self-expression. It’s commonplace to see 8-10 men out together on the town. Here’s the surprising truth I’ve discovered: Gay men are often more masculine than they recognize, and not only the ones with big muscles.

The reparative principle is the same: there is an eroticized attempt to capture the lost masculine self. This ongoing process of reflection and openness creates a deeper connection to self and others, allowing for the expansion of both personal and communal boundaries.

And remember: every day is all we have, so you've got to make your own happiness.

For more information on this topic, listen to Episode 89.