Being gay is hard
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They reflect the unspoken norm of heteronormativity—the assumption that heterosexuality is default and everything else requires justification.
It’s about adult constructs of sexuality and how adults project those constructs onto their conceptualization of what it means to be gay, which centers around behaviors rather than feelings or early identity development.
The internalized message: “Being gay is all about sex, and you’re too young to know.”
Beneath the question “How do you know?” hides the assumption that same-sex attraction is purely about sexual behavior.
You might ask about their experience and training in working with GSRD (Gender, Sex, and Relationship Diversity) clients. For example, a person might feel guilty for not following traditional paths like marrying the opposite sex or having children.
It’s important to distinguish between shame and guilt. We work with what you bring.
A Psychodynamic approach then provides the tools to look at the origins of the patterns you feel stuck in.
The information in this blog is not intended to (1) replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified licensed health care provider, (2) create or establish a provider-patient relationship, or (3) create a duty for us to follow up with you. The news you read, the social media you scroll through, the people you spend your time with - it all shapes your internal world.
Your Social Circle: Spending time with people who see and celebrate all of who you are is deeply affirming.
The practice is to then try, even in a small way, to turn that same response inward.
It might feel unnatural at first. You might ask yourself, "What would I say to a friend who expressed this feeling to me?" Almost always, the response would be one of warmth, validation, and support. This could look like:
Reading novels by queer authors.
Watching films and TV shows with well-rounded gay characters.
Learning about the history of LGBTQ+ activists who fought for the rights you have today.
Listening to music by queer artists.
Visiting queer spaces, whether a community centre in a city or an online book club.
This practice does something vital.
It’s an ongoing practice of returning to yourself with kindness. It’s as though there’s a voice in the back of your mind saying, “I’m not good enough because I’m gay,” even when that’s far from the truth. This is for the person who is nodding along right now, thinking, "Yes, I know all about minority stress. This is a concept that comes up frequently in my work, particularly with people who feel stuck despite being out, and perhaps even very proud of who they are.
It describes the process by which a person absorbs the negative attitudes, stereotypes, and prejudices about LGBTQ+ people from the culture around them and turns them inward, against themselves.
It’s often a form of self-protection that has simply outlived its usefulness.
Check for membership in a professional body like the BACP. They found that shame was significantly associated with symptoms of depression, PTSD, and substance abuse, highlighting the profound psychological consequences of gay shame.
The effects of gay shame can manifest in various ways, from chronic anxiety to social withdrawal.
Gay stigma can be seen from the day an LGBTQIA+person comes out to their family, as some families go so far as to kick a child who is gay out of the home. Unfollow accounts that make you feel inadequate or angry. An internal voice might whisper, "Why do they have to flaunt it like that?" That reaction isn't a true reflection of your values.
You can look for therapists who are members of professional bodies like the BACP and who explicitly state their commitment to affirming practice on their websites.
Your journey of self-acceptance is your own, and you don't have to walk it alone.
If having a dedicated space to explore these themes feels like it could be helpful, I invite you to book a free, no-obligation initial consultation.
Be curious about their story, not their proof.
For example, a study by Scheer, Harney, Esposito, and Woulfe (2019) explored how potentially traumatic events and shame affect mental and physical health in LGBTQ+ individuals.